I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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