It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
