i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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