He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
