guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
