I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
