Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
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Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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