bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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