Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
