i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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