He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
