it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Drake has all the answers
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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