paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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