I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just want to make out with him forever
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
