WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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