I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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