I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
