My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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