He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
