if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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