nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I want to make a zoo with you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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