I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
