i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
