it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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