I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
