i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
