Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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