I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
