just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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