Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
