I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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