That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
