I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
