Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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