My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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