we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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