never play flip cup with pint glasses
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
