I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
