My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish you could order shots online.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
