Cold hands, warm shart.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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