Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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