I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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