His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
