you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
