I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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