my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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