Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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