I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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