This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
