yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
