turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
