i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
