I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
