My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
