i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize