What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
