Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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