god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
